Rhino’s Ramblings - KFC Kentucky Fried Council

Editor’s Note - with the issue of backyard chickens starting to heat up we re-print the most popular Rhino’s Ramblings column ever published by the now defunct Moose Jaw Times-Herald.

The column appeared in the Times Herald during the great backyard chicken debate way back in 2017. A debate which saw an extensive report prepared on the issue and how it looks so bureaucratic for a few people to have chickens in their backyards.

By Robert Thomas

Hidden away in a downtown neighbourhood lies the most fowl criminals ever to grace the streets of the Friendly City.

These are the criminals that certain people want to eliminate with every spare nickel the City has. Are they drug dealers, murderers or brazen thieves? No not even close.

They are something so much worse than all of those dastardly things combined then multiplied by two to the tenth power.

What I am talking about is a gang, a gang simply called the Moose Jaw Chicken Underground.

Flocking together with one common goal this gang has come to roost in the city and they're here to stay whether council approves of their clucking and egg laying or not. 

I realize people are not going to believe me but yes there is a legend out there bumping down Moose Jaw’s pothole stricken streets there's more than a beak or two hidden in the city.

But how can this be? You might wonder with amazement. How can a city so modern and progressive as Moose Jaw have God forbid a chicken coop hidden somewhere?  That's impossible or is it?

People forget Moose Jaw is the land of Little Chicago. If Scarface can reputedly hang out here on the lamb (yet another illegal farm animal likely hidden away somewhere in the city) then there has got to be a hidden bird or two. The question is exactly where?

So with a little bit of effort I hit the streets looking for this desperado gang. I headed down 1st Avenue NW and then asked people I met if they knew where I could find a coop. 

The first person I met said oh they're right next to City Hall. Then realizing they had misheard me I said I wasn't looking for a police officer but a coop. Then I was directed to walk three blocks south and it was on the right side at the corner just past the second set of lights.

So I headed down the street and in five minutes realized he had sent me to the Co-op. But hey I was getting much, much closer to my objective and the elusive inner city chicken ranch. All I needed to do was peck that hyphen out of the word and I would be there.

I scoured the downtown for hours and then all of a sudden a stranger came up to me on a street corner and asked if I was looking for a bird. Once I said yes he said get into his car and where he immediately told me to put on a blindfold. It was obvious he was taking me to some secret location and didn't want me crowing about it.

In what seemed like hours of driving aimlessly around the city to protect their secret locale we arrived and as I took off my blindfold what did I reveal? Chickens! I had found it the top secret headquarters of the Moose Jaw Chicken Underground. A regular Chicken Shangri La or is it Chicken a la King? 

So what did I see at this top secret locale? Was it something that could warrant an all out round up or is that all just a lot of clucking?

So I had to think about the city’s true motivation in denying people the right to bear chickens and how there might well be way too much overthink and bureaucratic red tape in what should be a very simple issue.

People forget we do live in Saskatchewan and this is farming country and just on the edge of town we do have, believe it or not, chickens. Chickens which can roam free and natural with all their glory scratching, pecking and whatever chickens do to pass the time in between laying eggs.

So I had to ask this group of desperadoes why they would want to raise chickens in such a modern city as Moose Jaw? 

The answers were simple, easy and polite. They really just wanted to have more natural food. They wanted to be closer to nature, they weren't some evil egg dealing gang. They pointed to nature, they pointed to wanting better high quality food without the good Lord knows what sort of additives, they really were seeking a healthy lifestyle for themselves and their neighbours.

They gave me a tour of the illicit ranch tucked away inconspicuously in an older neighbourhood. There were no foul odours, no lice, no vermin and no chicken droppings stinking up the place. Just six chickens out enjoying the nice sunny day.

I was told of other illicit operations out there in the city far more worse than their half a dozen hens. And why couldn't city council just take them for what they truly were? 

I had to really think about their words as I read over an extensive report to council’s executive committee and thinking about the lively debate to ensue.

For this multiple page report detailed these egg raising criminals alleged misdeeds. About the need to retrain bylaw officers and a new chicken mobile just to keep the flock in order in tough budgetary times.

It – with all respect to council – left me wondering who truly were the bird brained ones here.

Hours and hours of studying and letters written for just a few chickens spread out in a few back yards and how all of this work must have cost much more than chicken feed.

It left me wondering if council really had something in for chickens but I knew that couldn't be. That discrimination of any kind is frowned upon by the city. But then I thought about it once again and decided maybe they truly do. 

I thought back to council’s annual private barbecue and there on the menu front and centre is you guessed it – fried chicken. But mmmmm so, so tasty…